Just like every other teacher and student in my district, I counted down the seconds to Spring Break. Friday afternoon came and the boys and I went running for the door. Seth had a ballgame that evening at 5:30. Riley had a game the next morning at 9. But after that, the sometimes chores of being a teacher and a mom could lessen a bit as we start to enjoy our week of nothing.
But as I sit here, in my first day of "nothing", I begin to panic. This will be my first break that will not be consumed by Grey's disease. It will be my first break without him. And as I realized that he will not be with us as Bill, Luke, Seth, Riley, and I go to our first Spurs game my heart hurts. As I realize that when my eyes open tomorrow morning I have no where to be, with my ever supporting school family off enjoying their break, I panic.
Yesterday was a good day. Today, not so much.
My bereavement counselor says I need to learn and let myself grieve. I need to slow down my mind and my body, and let myself feel Grey's loss. I don't know that I'm ready to do that. But I do know that this coming week has the power to make me or break me.
Grieving has been extremely tough for me. I have always been the caretaker, not the one having to be taken care of. The only way that I have been able to start to feel Grey's loss is by living it through others losses. I really need to take a second to thank the families I have been pulling strength from, although I'm sure they do not know it.
To the families of Carmen, Zoe, Kyle, Kayla, Judson and Hunter - It is so good to know that I am not alone. That as you describe that last breathe, the knock on the door, the hole in your heart, that I too know that. As hard as it is for me to let myself cry for Grey's loss, tears come easily to me for your losses. I read your updates and my heart hurts for your continuing struggles. Then, in the midst of feeling sad for your families, I realize that I too, am that family. Then I am finally able to grieve.