Sunday, September 5, 2010
Again, it's been a long time since I have blogged. Part of me fears that if I allow myself to blog, I'll slip back into the void of Grey. This has always been Grey's blog. But tonight, when I logged in, I noticed that the leopard yellow background that was Grey to a tee, had been deleted. It felt as though another little part of him had been taken away. I've searched for hours, trying to find another background that would suit him. I've settled for a Fall one.
It is that time of the season, the season that begins our loss. I don't think it will ever matter how many years pass, this time of year will always be that season. I have taken the approach as to face it head on, and fill it with the things that made Grey happy.
It's only the beginning of September, but last weekend, which was August, Riley asked if we could put up the Halloween decorations. I love Halloween. Ry loves Halloween. Grey loved Halloween. It was really the only holiday that he really celebrated. His first Christmas he was only weeks old. But you could see in his eyes that he got Halloween!
The days leading up to Halloween were a whirlwind. The day before was his first and only admission to the hospital for "failure to thrive". Halloween day brought test after test, including a spinal tap (while he was awake), and the news that hope was grim. With that, we decided to discharge him and take him home.
But nothing could slow Grey's spirit down, not even his broken body. Halloween evening he was dressed as a giraffe, smiling and laughing at his brothers, as we strolled him down the street to Trick-Or-Treat. That night, Grey gave me such a gift, the gift of a single moment where nothing else mattered except that smirk of his and his wide eyes, his body disguised for just a few hours. I can't explain it, but it was like he knew I'd need it, and his sweetest burned it forever in my mind.
No-Bake Pumpkin Pie. Grey would eat my pumpkin pie for breakfast, lunch, and dinner if I would have let him. And I did. I even remember Bill calling me once while I was at school. "We're out of pumpkin pie and somebody is pissed (Sorry Mom I know you hate that word, but Bill said it, not me)! He won't eat anything else." That was Grey, stubborn to the core. He ate pumpkin pie up until 5 days before he died. It was the last thing he ate. Oddly, that makes me smile.
I take comfort in knowing, that as Ry and I put out our decorations, he too was missing Grey. "Mom, what do you think Grey will be for Halloween this year?" His question stopped me dead in my tracks as I tried not to cry. Do you know what it feels like, as a parent, to no longer really know what your son likes? Wow! I couldn't answer him with anything other that an, "I don't know." His question bothered me all day. It made me feel empty, like a piece of me was lost. I called Bill. I called Mom. No answers from them either. Hours later I text my bff with Ry's question. Minutes later she responded.
Grey is going to be a ninja angel this year.
And with that simple response, I felt my son again, through the love of his Godmother, already celebrating Halloween with us.