Thursday, March 12, 2009

A Sign Of Life


I saw my bereavement counselor today. It was my first time to see her without Bill. There were a lot of things that I learned in my hour.
Grieving affects my spirit.
In order to allow myself to grieve, I must treat my spirit as I, as a mom, treated Grey. I must take care of it's needs, allow it to have emotions, give in to it's wants. I must put it first, before everyone else, so that I can heal. Until I start healing I cannot expect to help heal others.
Although grief is awful, it is also calm. It comes in waves, and it will leave as quickly as it comes as long as I allow it to flow through me.
My heart is a vessel full of many different emotions. Until I let those emotions out, there will not be room for more, be it good or bad.
Grief makes you super-sensitive to everything; looks, sounds, touch, and conversation.
My biggest fear was that if I gave in to grief and allowed myself to cry, I would never stop. However, grief is natural. Crying forever is not. It should not last for more than a minute. I can allow myself to do that.
Ironic, that on the 3 month anniversary of Grey's death, I actually feel alive for the first time, like I have started to come out of my fog. Another gift, I guess.

Speaking of gifts, today was a very successful day at the capital. Senator Uresti sponsored Grey's bill in the Senate. It was filed on the 10th of this month and is now SB 1720. That doubles our chances of getting it through. Policy analysts for our first committee seemed very excited about Grey's bill. One was so excited that she spent the day on the phone with the two medical associations and convinced them not to lobby against us. That is huge! And, another representative contacted us about adding another disorder to our bill (one he has been trying to pass), because he heard that our bill was really picking up steam.
The whole thing just amazes me, how quickly it is all happening. Just an affirmation that Grey was truly here for 11 months, 3 weeks, and 6 days as a vessel for something much bigger. And he was given to Bill and I so that we could use him to make a difference.


Dear Grey Grey,
Today I took my first deep breathe and as I exhaled I let go of some of the hurt that I have been keeping inside of me. I pictured the pain coming out of my mouth and filling a baby blue balloon. I let it go and as I watched it drift up to you it no longer looked so ugly. By the time it reaches you it will be filled with the love that replaces that hurt.
I'm trying to get rid of the pain Baby. I really am. And I think I'm becoming OK with that.
Love,
Forever Your Mom

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