Grey's 1st Angel Day

The anticipation of December 12th was much worse than the actual day itself. And if I had truly stopped to think about it, I would have realized that, not unlike any other day, my friends and family would be there to get me through.

Many of you have since apologized for not being able to either be there at all, or be there for our 2:00 balloon release. My response to that would be to show you the picture below, snapped at 2:08, exactly a year to the minute that our little man left his broken body. Please take comfort in knowing that you were exactly were you where supposed to be at that very second. For if you had been with us, the picture may had turned out very differently (I see it as a heart with wings).

The crucial times I was worried about getting through, 2:08 and 4:30 (when Grey's little body was driven away) were full of waves of people. It was perfect! At 4:30, we were too busy playing the Wii to even notice what time it was.

Families brought us ornaments, a great idea inspired by Misti. She asked that people bring ornaments that reminded them of Grey. It was incredible to see how others viewed our little man. We got angels, cardinals, a dove (all the way from Hunter's Hope in NY), a Texas flag, jungle animals, and ornaments encompassing our whole family. It was incredible!

People wrote messages to Grey on balloons and sent them up to him. What I wouldn't have given to see what they all had written! A few that weren't here wrote poems and mailed them to us. We also bought a blue star balloon on which we put his name on with stickers. Ry let that one go.

A few people asked if they could go into Grey's room. I get that, and thank you for asking. Some just felt the need to feel closer to him. And when I would come to check on you, and hear you talking to him . . . my heart just swelled, as did my eyes.

I imagine that this will be an annual thing, maybe some years bigger than the others depending on the day of the week that the 12th falls. I could go on and on about all the parts that made up this perfect day, but instead I'll just post pictures.

Thank you, all of you, for getting us through this first year. I know Grey lives in all of you. I love you.

Days 11 & 12

I know I've fallen a couple days behind, but in the rush to get home and start getting ready for Grey's First Angel Day, I left day #11 at school. However, you should be proud that I didn't open it and didn't even know what it was until Melinda told me. It will be there waiting for me to open when I arrive tomorrow, the last Monday morning before Christmas Break. Magical Memory #11 was a lion.

Last Spring Bill and I took Grey for pictures. We actually bought an outfit for him to wear right there at JC Penney before his session. We brought some jungle animals from his room to have in the pictures with him. But while looking for the outfit, I saw this cute little lion. He ended up making it in the picture too.

Looking back at this picture, I wonder why we didn't question the fact that, at 4 months old, Grey was still not holding up his head.

For Magical Memory #12, both Melinda and Chelsy gave me memories. Melinda gave me a small cardinal ornament, small enough to place on my desk with it drawing too much attention. It's perfect.

Chelsy, again, wrote the most incredible note and brought us beautiful flowers. From her we received in words that miracle #12 was Bill & I. It was nice to be reminded, that as often as the two of us feel like a "broken" couple, it could have only been us who could have brought Grey into this world. #12 reminds us, that if Bill and I weren't exactly who we were, the world would be a different place. And even though it's been a year full of struggles, it has also been a year full of triumphs. Thank you Chelsy. We love you too.

I have tons of pictures that Misti took that I will get tomorrow, so I think I'll save blogging about Grey's Angel Day until then. However, I would like to share one picture with you that she knew I wanted right away. At 2:08 PM, the exact moment that we lost Grey, about 30 of us released balloons. Misti snapped a picture. This is what she got.

Day Ten

Magical Memory #10 was snow.

A year ago, close to midnight, Grey got to see snow. I remember bundling him up and taking him on the front porch. I remember his eyes opening as the cold rushed over his body. I remember snuggling with him by the Christmas tree, listening to the other boys enjoying the rarity.

Snow, maybe the only thing coming close to Grey's beauty. Snow from the Heavens, maybe to welcome him, to give him a glimpse of the beauty that was to soon come.

Snow. My baby saw snow.

This past week has been really hard for me. I can't even explain the emotions that I am feeling. I had no idea, that as I stormed through Grey's death, my mind was filing every action, smell, and sound of every moment to be relived a year later.

Yesterday . . . a year since most of my school family came to say goodbye. Misti's forced smile. Mitzi's soup. All of them gathered around the Lazy-Boy. Grey settled on Dani's chest. My heart still breaks as I look at their faces.

Today . . . a year since Dani, Richard, Chelsy, and Hillary said goodbye. I can see Dani's broach, Richard's nervous hand as he stroked Grey's hair, Chelsy's tears, and Hillary's face.

Tomorrow . . . a year since Ceci said goodbye. I can see her whispering in his ear.

It's been a week of goodbyes. They play over, and over, and over in my head. But I feel them deep within my soul.

Day Nine

Day nine brought the Dave Matthews Band poster from the 2009 Texas tour.

This is from the first tour that Melinda went on with me and Ceci. DMB closed both shows with Grey Street. Both nights we all sobbed through it. We couldn't help but think that Grey had his hand in the setlists.

Along with the poster came a great letter. Melinda had taken the time to find DMB lyrics that reminded her of Grey. It was incredible! And the funny thing about it is, that even though nearly every DMB song reminds me of Grey, Melinda found some lyrics that I would have never thought of.

Melinda, like the "mean one", was also new to our school, coming to work in my SpEd department. Nothing like walking into a new job and finding out your department head's son is terminal. It would have been easy for her, too, to be a mere observer to my pain. But instead, she shared it with me. Melinda was with me the day we got the call of Grey's diagnosis. The picture below was taken the same day. I've shared more than one of the worst days of my life with her. Great for me. Not so great for her.

Day Eight

Magical Memory #8 is Chick-fil-A.

On October 30th, when we had to admit Grey to the hospital for failure to thrive, "the mean one" called and asked if she could bring us dinner. She brought us Chick-fil-A, Bill's favorite.

On December 10th she would bring us lunch, Chick-fil-A. She didn't even have to ask us what we wanted. She even remembered Chick-fil-A sauce for Bill's strips.

And on December 10th, she would take Grey from me, kiss him on the head, and say good-bye for the last time.

This "mean one" was a stranger to our family last August, new to our school and her job. She had a connection with Grey that few knew about, and still does. When Grey got sick, she jumped into our lives when it would have been much easier to walk away.

But she didn't. She loved us enough to bring us Chick-fil-A.

Day Seven

Some things that remind me of Grey he never even touched. Some of these things I truly believe he placed here on Earth just for me, to let me know he's around me. One of those things was my Magical Memory #7, a pink and red lion from the Hallmark store.

As Valentine's Day was approaching a friend and myself went into a Hallmark store. There staring at us was a pink lion, with a red heart for a mane. Of course, every jungle animal reminded me of Grey, but there was something special about this lion that caught our attention. When we picked it up, it laughed . . . an infectious laugh. And when you pet it's back, it laughed harder. It was like Grey was trying to tell me he was OK, that he is laughing in Heaven.

My friend bought one and I bought one for my mom and one for me. Mine sits on his toy chest in his room. And I swear, every once in a while, out of the blue, I hear it laugh.

He's just letting me know.

Day SIx

Day Six brought the other kind of oatmeal, the kind most people think of when you say the word.

The smell of maple & brown sugar oatmeal brings about tons of emotions in me. Last June I was at an in-service for school. It was early in the morning when a dear friend sat down next to me. In a cup was her breakfast. Immediately I smelled it. I must have had some sort of look on my face, because she asked me if I was OK. I just told her that I loved the smell of her oatmeal. It reminded me of Grey. Like I've always said, he gives me signs in the craziest places, just to let me know he's still with me.

I'll never forget the day that Bill tried to feed him grits. He was having none of that, even though they too were maple and brown sugar! Grey always knew what he wanted. And most mornings, it was oatmeal, maple & brown sugar with cinnamon applesauce.