Monday, March 2, 2009

But Tonight . . .

Dear Grey Grey,

I know it has been awhile since I have stopped to just sit and talk with you. Most days I try with all my might to push your loss aside, so that I don't cave under it. But tonight, I sit and I fight back the tears because I miss you so much.

It's a busy time right now at school, TAKS testing. I know I play a big part in making my end of it happen. Yet every other thought is of you. And things, such as my job, seem so . . . unimportant. If my kids' testing goes off without a hook tomorrow it won't because I gave it 100%. It will be because I got lucky. But I figure that's the least God can do since He took you from me.

As time goes on, the new routines become more familiar. I no longer look for your carseat in the van. But I still don't feel comfortable in the bleachers without you in my arms. Sometimes I swear I hear you and it makes me smile. Saturday I went into a new store, a store with no memories of you in it. A store whose baby section I had never bought you clothes from. I wait for first like that, but when they come they knock me flat.

Every night I go to sleep waiting and hoping to dream of you. When my alarm goes off at 6, I hit the snooze bar at least twice, begging you to just give me just a few minutes with you. Maybe you know I'm not ready. Maybe you know if you visited me in my dreams I'd never want to wake up.

I just don't know how this will get any easier. I hate that I have to listen to a recording of your laugh to remember what you sound like. I see babies learning to walk and I wonder, now at 14 1/2 months old, what you would be doing, what I'm missing out on . . . other than you just being.

We're still working hard Grey to get your law passed. And I do see the gifts you continue to give me everyday. Most days, your gifts get me through. But some days, like today, they're just not enough.

Never have I loved, or been loved, so unconditionally as with you. Maybe that's why it hurts so much. But I do believe, and always will, that I am the luckiest person in the world to have been chosen to be your mom. Someday Little Man, we'll wrestle and play together. Until then, know that you are in my every thought. I breath you in with every breathe I take.

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