Wednesday, February 11, 2009


Sometimes I feel like a dam that is about to break. Like someone, anyone, could just barely touch me, and the crack would rip through my body releasing two months of agony.

Sometimes I feel like a small child bracing myself for the oncoming wave, too tired to jump into it and let it rush around me.

I have never been one to build a wall around me. With walls no one sees in, no on sees out. I see everything, and those who know me best see everything too. Maybe I'm in one of those stretchy bubbles you see in a cartoon. I can reach out to touch you, but for now there is a barrier that I have placed between us. You could reach into me, and I would dodge you, like a kid playing tag.

Sometimes I feel like I walk around all day, numb in this bubble, just waiting for something or someone to pop it. Then what would I do?

Sometimes the emotions I am feeling are just so out of whack. Be it good, or bad, everything is intensified a bazillion times. When I allow myself to be sad, or mad, the dam breaks. Even when I am happy, the speed of hitting the wall afterwards is nearly too much to bare.

I have always been an extremely loving, touchy person. But lately, I feel myself tense as some people approach me, bracing myself for the wave. I feel myself tense as those who I need to touch me approach, knowing that if I give into their touch, I'll break. It's a lose/lose situation.

Tomorrow will be two months since Grey took his last breathe. It as been two months that I have been gasping for air inside my bubble. I don't know which is worse, feeling like I can't breath, or letting my bubble pop.

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