Sunday, February 8, 2009

Muddling Through

This weekend was a rough weekend. I tried to fill it with productive tasks. I got a couple videos made to help bring awareness to Grey's story. I took the boys to Little League tryouts. We had a couple movie nights. Madagascar 2 was funny. Gloria the Hippo cracks me up. My life would be so much easier if I was Gloria the Hippo. She loves the fact that she's chunky, and so does her boyfriend.

After the boys went to sleep I went into Grey's room, and ended up spending most of the night in there. I just couldn't get close enough to him. I found myself holding on to his blankets and stuffed animals, rubbing my hands on his bouncy seat and swing. I was angry that everything he had touched I had washed. I took his hair from his first haircut out of it's pouch just to feel a little something that was left of him, still so silky. I opened his drawers, still looking for some article of clothing that I'm willing to part with in order for Hospice to include it in their quilt. There are clothes in there that Grey never even got the chance to wear. I opened his diaper bag, not realizing that it had not yet been unpacked. In it I found his tennis shoes and a couple outfits that he wore the most, along with a hospital bracelet dated 12/5/08.

I just don't know how I'll ever be the same. I think about people I will meet, and how they will never know the person I was before Grey's loss. I really did like that person. I think about my friends and wonder if they ever see a glimpse of the old me. I think about my family and wonder if we will ever be the happy family we were a year ago. I think about my husband and wonder if I will ever be able to hold the pieces of my heart together long enough to show him that he is still undoubtedly the man I am supposed to spend the rest of my life with. I think about me and wonder if I will ever not feel Grey's loss with every single breathe I take, if my laugh will ever be sincere, or if my eyes will ever sparkle with excitement again. I just don't know.

I consistently hear stories of how Grey's short life has changed people for the better, made them better parents, made them better people. I don't know that as of yet I can say that the same holds true for me. Am I a better mom because of Grey? Absolutely. Am I a better wife, daughter, sister, and friend? Yes. But am I able to show it? Not yet, not until I muddle through this pain. But I know I'll get there. I just ask that you be patient with me until I do.


Anita said...

Nicole, words aren't enough to give you anything. I pray daily for you and your family, you've touched my life in a profound way. I can't imagine what you must feel, so I won't pretend I do, but know you are cherished by so many who don't even know all the wonderful things that make
Take care

Cayle said...

I came to your blog from Hannahs mom.

As I read back on sweet grey's life. I cried, for not being able to understand. I cried, for a beautiful child that's life could of been spared but most of all I cried to have the strength you have one day. You and your husbands strength amazes me. I will be praying for you everyday you and your family.

Also, I will be moving to texas in the summer. I will be continuing my college education there and I wanted to ask if it would be okay if I promote the importance of getting tested.