I guess I have reached the angry stage in my grieving, and I must tell you my friends are very glad to see this, even though it means seeing me angry. I've told you, I have the best friends.
This is how I realized where I really was in these phases of grief. I was reading an interview and the lady was asked that if she could be any historical figure for one day, who would she be. She answered Mary.
My immediate thought was, "Why in the world would anyone want to be Mary?" Obviously, she must not have experienced what it was like to watch her child suffer and ultimately be taken away from her. I remember watching The Passion Of The Christ years ago and just sobbing as Mary watched Jesus stumble by, cross on his back. To me, it was the worst part of the whole movie. As a mother, I just ached for her. Now, I share her experience of having her son sacrificed for a bigger cause. The ache is even more real.
But as I sat with my friends and talked my way through the anger of a stranger's answer, I realized that Jesus's death was only one day of 33 years of his life. That means that there were 12,044 other days in which he performed great miracles and deeds, all benefiting others. Do I really think that Mary would have given up all those days just so that she didn't have to have her heart broken on the 12,045th day?
And I realized that in Grey's short time here on Earth, a mere 359 days, never was there a day that I didn't absolutely love being his mom. Never, in 359 days, was I not proud of him. And never would I have given up 358 days in order to not have my heart broken on the 359th day. Outside of his broken body, Grey was born a perfect angel. His eyes beamed with love and acceptance, even towards strangers. His smile melted even the coldest hearts. His kisses opened your weary soul. Never has anyone given me unconditional love and acceptance as Grey did.
And I realized, that as angry as I may be, this too is just a stage. Grey has given me a gift that some mom's will never receive. And for that, I would relive that 359th day over and over again, as I so commonly do. Grey has showed me how to love, even through his huge loss. He's showed me that it's OK to still enjoy things, because that's how he lived his live. Right now he's showing me, that as I sit here and cry as I type, it's OK to stop crying so that I can enjoy Bruce singing "Working On A Dream" at the Super Bowl.
I love you, Little Man. You make me so proud.