Sunday, December 20, 2009

My Blanket

I'm hoping today marks the last of "a year ago today", with Grey's memorial. I drove past the funeral home today on the way to the grocery store to get makings for fudge. And like every other time that I drive by it, it didn't really make me sad. I still see all of you standing in the parking lot, dressed in your Sunday best, balloon in hand. It usually makes me smile, all there for the love of my baby. Today was no different.

But last night was rough. It's not often that I let myself actually feel Grey's loss. Most days I am too busy convincing myself that Grey's loss does have purpose. Most days it doesn't take much convincing. But yesterday, as Bill and I went Christmas shopping, there was no convincing me. It must have been the shopping for the stockings, everything in threes, instead of fours. It made me so sad. The innocent comment from teller, "Three at home?"

How do you say yes without feeling guilty? How do you say no without an explanation?

This last year and a half has just been a whirlwind. Sometimes, I'll look up and see his picture and I can't believe that he is really gone, that I'll never, ever hold him again. That I'll never know what, as a two year old, he would like to play with. That I'll never again hear his laugh.

As I write this and feel the pain in my chest, I can feel why it's easier to focus on what I had with Grey, what he gave to the world, instead of focusing on the loss. And I am lucky, that most days, I wear him like a blanket. Most days I feel his soft spirit warming my skin. I can hear him whispering in my ear, giving me strength to smile and laugh. I want to smile and laugh.

On Friday, at school, our band and choir had a Christmas concert. At first, my heart hurt as I felt lonely in a gym full of people. Then I realized that last year at this time, their was very little room for celebration at my school. The memory of it breaks my heart. But as I looked around, I saw Grey's spirit everywhere. I saw it in Chelsy and Richard as they danced in unison to Frosty The Snowman. I heard it in the kid's voices as they sang along. I saw it in Dani's smile. And I realized that in just a year, because of an amazing little boy, we have all grown and healed a lot.

His loss could be so much worse.

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