Pieces Inside Of Me

As my first week of summer has come to an end, there are many things that I find I am missing. I'm missing my friends from school (many of who became more like family this past year), I'm missing my schedule, my job, the kids I've taught for the last 5 years, and my Grey.

I knew this was coming. I knew that I could only put Grey's loss aside for so long. And I knew that I could only wait so long before I let myself write about it.

My counselor compared her grief in this way: She said that every time she allowed herself to grieve, she felt a chunk of the rock wall concealing her heart break away, exposing a new, healed portion of her heart. I don't feel that.

Earlier this week I posted DMB's new song "Baby Blue". Part of the song says this:

and I will forever, ‘cause you’ll forever be
my one true broken heart, pieces inside of me
and you’ll forever, my baby be

If I could try to explain how I'm feeling, that would be it. My heart is shattered. And with every hurried memory of Grey, I try to grab on to that shattered piece. It's like they float all through me, and they pop up in the least expected places. I reach for them, in every which direction, as fast as I can and I pull them in and I try to rebuild my heart with each shattered piece.

But it feels like every time I let myself cry, my heart shatters more. So I start all over. I can almost feel him, as I try to pull him in.

Almost, but never again.