Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Pieces Inside Of Me

As my first week of summer has come to an end, there are many things that I find I am missing. I'm missing my friends from school (many of who became more like family this past year), I'm missing my schedule, my job, the kids I've taught for the last 5 years, and my Grey.

I knew this was coming. I knew that I could only put Grey's loss aside for so long. And I knew that I could only wait so long before I let myself write about it.

My counselor compared her grief in this way: She said that every time she allowed herself to grieve, she felt a chunk of the rock wall concealing her heart break away, exposing a new, healed portion of her heart. I don't feel that.

Earlier this week I posted DMB's new song "Baby Blue". Part of the song says this:

and I will forever, ‘cause you’ll forever be
my one true broken heart, pieces inside of me
and you’ll forever, my baby be

If I could try to explain how I'm feeling, that would be it. My heart is shattered. And with every hurried memory of Grey, I try to grab on to that shattered piece. It's like they float all through me, and they pop up in the least expected places. I reach for them, in every which direction, as fast as I can and I pull them in and I try to rebuild my heart with each shattered piece.

But it feels like every time I let myself cry, my heart shatters more. So I start all over. I can almost feel him, as I try to pull him in.

Almost, but never again.


Bill said...

Oh, Baby. I wish I had the answers and the right glue. I Love You.

Robin said...

I don't know if you've seen this article from Celebrity Baby Scoop or not, but you and Greyson were mentioned by Renee Baio when she was asked about updates on expanded newborn screening.


Just thought you might like to see it.

Thanks again for all you've done,