Sunday, June 21, 2009

Why I Am

Dearest Grey,

As a new year approaches I have some promises to make; promises to you, promises to me.

Today not only marks my 37th birthday, it also marks Father's Day, and most importantly the day that HB 1795 becomes Greyson's Law. So as your legacy starts, I'm afraid that some things, too, must end.

I don't even know where to start, but I'll do my best to try.

I know Grey that I am starting to heal, and I know that you want that for me. Accomplishing Greyson's Law closes a door for me. Through this whole process you have been in the forefront of my mind, nearly all consuming. At times I was frustrated, angry. Trying to separate the legislative process from my baby boy, at times, was very difficult. And as much as I needed you to be the face of Texas' Newborn Screening, I longed for you to just be my baby. My baby that I could just stop and grieve for. So today Grey, I promise to take you back and I choose to share you with only those who deserve you. I have met many great people through your loss Grey. The people who continue on this journey with me, will do so because they love you.

Today, I promise to let myself feel your loss. But in feeling your loss, I promise to choose to celebrate your life. To look into your eyes was to see unconditional love. To be lucky enough to have given you those eyes is at times overwhelming to me. But you were chosen for me, and I was chosen for you. And although I ache for you everyday, I would ache a thousand times over just to have known you.

And today Grey, I promise to get out from underneath myself and take back some of the qualities that made me who I was. I know Grey, that I am a different person because of your loss. But I also know that your loss has made me a better person. In everything I do, I want you to shine through me. I want to be the friend who listens. I want to be the mom that plays. I want to be the wife that is non judgmental, the daughter that is thoughtful. It has been a long time since I have been able to get out of my own way and think of others. But today, I take the sensitivity that you have shown me, and I share it. I listen, I feel, I love much greater than I ever have before.

There is a great line in the new DMB song "Why I Am". It says, 'Out of my head and into the room, hello.'

Today, I say good-bye to part of you.

But, I also say hello.

Forever Your Mom

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