Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Through The Season

I wonder if there will ever come a time that I don't feel lonely. I don't know that lonely is the right word. I just feel like something is always missing. Every once in a while, I forget that something is missing, and upon it's realization, it hurts twice as much.

Yesterday we put away the Christmas decorations. I just really needed to. I couldn't stand sitting on our big couch watching the lights, as Grey and I did, anymore. I just needed the holidays to be over. I had made it through the memorial, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and Riley's birthday, but I was done. I didn't want to celebrate anymore.

Bill was dragging his feet to help, which isn't like him. After nagging him one to many times he finally came clean. "Maybe I need the tree to stay up a little longer. Looking at the tree was the last thing I did with Grey."

I just assumed he felt exactly as I did. I have to figure out that it's ok if he doesn't. Needless to say, the decorations came down. As usual, Bill let me win.

I've also not know what to do about Grey's room. Since it was Christmas time boxes started to accrue in there. Was no other place to hide some of the gifts. It also became the place to store the clutter from Christmas. I walked into Grey's room yesterday and it no longer smelled like him. It smelled like boxes. I completely panicked. I was like a tornado in there, clearing his room of all the unnecessary junk. I felt so relieved to get it back to how it was when Grey was still with us. I found a dirty bid still in his hamper. Sadly, I just folded it up and placed it in one of his drawers.

Today we went to Sea World to use up the extra tickets we had before the end of the season. I felt empty as I walked into the entrance with no stroller, no diaper bag, no Grey. The last time we went he was with us. It was the first and only time we took him swimming. He loved it. I was lonely as I sat and watched the Shamu show without him on my lap. I watched the other moms struggle with their babies and found myself feeling jealous. I wonder if there will ever come a time when I can look at other people's babies and not see Grey.

We did have some cool moments today though. I have to remember those. Luke rode his first ever roller coaster, with me. Ry and I got some good one-on-one time. We rode the little roller coaster and shared ice cream and a pretzel. Seth rode his first roller coaster with Luke, the Steel Eel. Just the fact that he was tall enough to ride it was a huge self esteem builder for him. And Ry finally got to touch a dolphin, after spending $20 to feed them. It was a good family day, minus Grey.

My co-worker's wife passed away on Christmas day. Her viewing was tonight. I really wanted to go, and I did with some friends. I just needed him to know that he would get through her funeral tomorrow. That he would continue to breath even though his chest ached. I was fine until I hugged him goodbye. He told me he was sorry for my loss. I told him that I knew what he was going through and we promised each other that we would do this together. We now share something that neither one of us would wish on anyone. It's a terrible thing to share. I just can't go to the funeral. I could barely walk into the place as it was. I know he'll understand.

I just don't know how the hurt from Grey's loss could get any worse. But I also don't know how it'll get better. I try to fill my life with friends, family, favorite things. But at the end of every night I still go to sleep with empty arms. Nothing can fill his void.

1 comment:

Carrie said...

Nicole, I have no words of advice for you, but you are in my heart and prayers each night. You are living the life right now that I am so fearful that I may be forced to live in a few years, and just know that I am finding so much strength in you.

A friend told that it is the little things that you remember that mean the most -- make sure you write down all the memories you have of Grey when you have them...as colorful and vivid as they were. They will stay with you forever.