Thursday, December 25, 2008

Everywhere I Looked

Everywhere I looked today, I saw you Grey. It started with the syrup on the pancakes. Whenever I smell it, I think of you. Your brothers got AirSoft guns under the tree. I know you laughed hysterically when Dad got shot in the head, especially after the lecture to always protect your head and face. Then I remembered how unfair things would have been if you were here with us, stuck inside with your musical books. Again, I had to remind myself that your Christmas in Heaven was full of all the toys you could possibly dream of.

Your dad is going to have to change his favorite foods. His favorite is cream cheese pumpkin pie. It was your favorite too. I cried as I made it. It was one of the few things you would eat right up to the very end. That, and cinnamon applesauce, which was also on the menu.

The only thing that did take you off my mind was that stupid Guitar Hero World Tour game. It was very funny. We all played it all night long, arguing as to who got to play what. I loved the drums, but I'm no Carter Beauford!

Christmas is over, and the thought of slowing down scares me. I feel like I have far too much time on my hands as it is. I guess I didn't realize how very sick you were until you were not in my arms all the time. You just always fit. You were always there. Now that you're not, I don't know what to do. I try not to feel guilty with the amount of free time I have. I try to fill it with things I love. But I always come back to you. I imagine I always will.

I'll keep your spirit close so that I don't lay down. I'll remember that you lived each day to it's fullest. I'll remember that you didn't even know how to give up. You were a fighter until the very end. I will try to replace my sadness with pride. Sweet dreams Little Man.


Larissa said...

Your pride in Grey shines through the sadness Nicole! I hear it in your voice everytime you talk about him, and read it in every line you type. You are doing an amazing job. I love you!

Beth said...