Wednesday, January 28, 2009


Dearest Grey,

Today I received a letter from Hope Hospice. Every year they make a quilt for those they have lost. They ask the families to give them a piece of fabric from their loved one. When Syndi was here with you, she had told us about it. I knew right away what I would want to use for your fabric. I know it sounds crazy, but I've always loved your crib sheet. It came with the set that we bought you, but there was only one of it. I looked and looked on the Internet while you were here with us for another sheet just like it, so that even when you spit up on it I could change it and it would look exactly the same. But, you can't buy it separately anywhere. I washed it a lot. It was just so you. It was patchwork, bright with stars and cool shapes.

The problem is that I just can't bring myself to take if off your bed.

I called a friend and she said she would embroider your name on the piece that is supposed to go to Hospice. She said she would make the rest into a pillow for me. All great things, but then it is no longer your sheet. It's a piece of a remembrance quilt and a pillow.

Today I've made it through seeing the doctor that delivered you, waiting in his waiting room with a bunch of pregnant women. I've made it through talking to a friend about bereavement counseling. I kept it together all day.

Tonight I try to take the sheet off your bed and my tears gush. I just don't know if I'll ever feel whole again Grey. I don't know if this ache in my heart will ever let up. I remind myself to take the next breathe. I get ready to go to bed, in hopes that you will be there in my dreams.

Forever Your Mom

1 comment:

Susana said...

Your heart will stop aching I promise. I was talking with my aunt and asked her if it gets better with time and she said it does. You will never forget but it does get better with time. You see, she lost her son at the age of thirty two. My cousin had cystic fibrosis she took care of him until the day he died. She was with him in the ambulance when it happened. I’m sharing this with you to let you know that time does heal the soul.