Today I received a letter from Hope Hospice. Every year they make a quilt for those they have lost. They ask the families to give them a piece of fabric from their loved one. When Syndi was here with you, she had told us about it. I knew right away what I would want to use for your fabric. I know it sounds crazy, but I've always loved your crib sheet. It came with the set that we bought you, but there was only one of it. I looked and looked on the Internet while you were here with us for another sheet just like it, so that even when you spit up on it I could change it and it would look exactly the same. But, you can't buy it separately anywhere. I washed it a lot. It was just so you. It was patchwork, bright with stars and cool shapes.
The problem is that I just can't bring myself to take if off your bed.
I called a friend and she said she would embroider your name on the piece that is supposed to go to Hospice. She said she would make the rest into a pillow for me. All great things, but then it is no longer your sheet. It's a piece of a remembrance quilt and a pillow.
Today I've made it through seeing the doctor that delivered you, waiting in his waiting room with a bunch of pregnant women. I've made it through talking to a friend about bereavement counseling. I kept it together all day.
Tonight I try to take the sheet off your bed and my tears gush. I just don't know if I'll ever feel whole again Grey. I don't know if this ache in my heart will ever let up. I remind myself to take the next breathe. I get ready to go to bed, in hopes that you will be there in my dreams.
Forever Your Mom