It seems as though I wait all week for the weekend, so that I can let down my guard. At school I sometimes feel as though I have to constantly brace myself for the next unexpected question from a curious student. And it's OK. I want them to know they can ask me anything about Grey, I'm just sometimes caught off guard.
But once I get home for the weekend, I count down the hours until I can go back to work. At home, I'm just so lonely. Bill works all weekend. The boys play with each other. I just feel empty without Grey to hold.
It's like a double-edged sword. My support system at school is incredible. Most days I long to be there with my friends, dealing with the little dilemmas of the day, keeping busy, making a difference, laughing. But you just never know what's going to come out of the mouths of middle school kids. At home, I can be unguarded, cry if I want to cry, sleep to try to dream of him. But sometimes the emotions are just too overwhelming. I wonder if I slept long enough I would finally dream of him. Since he's been gone, I've only dreamt of him once. It's like he knows that if I dreamt of him, I never want to wake up. Thank God I have the boys home with me to keep me going.
Last night as I was trying to go to sleep I was thinking of some funny Greyson moments. I think my favorite one involves Riley and gum. Ry was home with both Bill and Grey a few months before he started kindergarten. In the afternoon, they would all take a nap, Bill with Grey on the couch. Riley was always the first one to wake up, and on this particular day Grey was up too, leaving Bill the only one still asleep. This was before Grey was symptomatic. When he saw that Ry was up he tried to roll off of Bill's chest to get to him. Thank God Bill reacted to his movement and caught him as he rolled off the couch. It scared all three of them. The next day I came home and as I picked Grey up, I noticed he had gum stuck to his onesie. I asked Bill if he knew that. He said he didn't, but he did tell me that he too had gum stuck on his shirt, and didn't know why. That was when we noticed the look on Ry's face, as he started to laugh. We had found the culprit! Apparently, Riley did not want his brother rolling off of his daddy's chest anymore. He thought gum would keep them stuck together . . . a lot of gum! This was the kind of love Ry and Grey shared.
Above is my favorite picture of Ry. You can just see the mischief in his eyes!