Wednesday, January 13, 2010

The Spectrum Of Grief

It feels like forever since I've really blogged about anything significant. Maybe significant isn't the right word. Personal would be a better word I guess.

December felt like a whirlwind of activity; Grey's Angel Day, his birthday, Christmas Break, Christmas, Riley's birthday, and New Year. This year, as I wearily entered the doors of CHMS on January 4th, I realized that I must be healing. Last year I couldn't wait to get back to work. I had been out since December 4th when we found out Grey was terminal. It was like I needed to be back at work. Work was a full 8 hours of constant support. It was also a full 8 hours where I could hope to stay busy enough to move Grey out of the forefront of my every thought.

It's really kind of hard to explain, the jump I decided to make since the anniversary of Grey's death. I think I just figured that if I could make it through the first year, I could make it through another. And I talk a really good game when it comes to Grey. I think that I work so hard at convincing other people not to grieve him, it rubs off on me. But I'm still afraid to just stop, stop and think about the magnitude of his loss.

I think right now the thing that bothers me the most is the absence of his room, although it's really just an obvious symbol for what is really gone. The house, to me, has taken on a completely different feel. "Riley's room," I tell myself. But it will never really be Riley's room again. To me, it will always be Grey's room, the paint masking it's yellow walls just as my smile masks my heartache. It's still there, you just can't see it. I wonder if Ry feels the same way. I've slept more in there than he has. If I close my eyes, I'm back in the jungle, Grey sleeping soundly in his crib.

The spectrum of grief is so crazy. Within minutes I can go from feeling like Grey's spirit covers me like a blanket, to feeling like he was just a dream. It's hard to accept that I am moving on with my life without him being a physical part of it, although I know that that is the goal. Yet at times, I see his picture, a picture that I've seen a million times, and my chest tightens as I struggle to take the next breath.

On a lighter note, tomorrow is payday for a lot of us. Think about checking out Misti's Sentsy site. I'd love for her to have a record month because of Grey. She's given so much of herself to us. I'd love to be able to give her something back.


Carrie said...

I know we haven't chatted much lately, but I think of you often {{hugs}}.

Sabrina Gavriilidis said...

Hi Nicole,

It has been a while since I've commented. I apologize for that. I've been reading your entries and thinking of Grey and your family often.

This entry on grief is so perfect. You have put my feelings into words. Something I've been struggling with lately. I thank you for that.

I often think of you and revel at what a wonderful mother you are. Sometimes the grief can be so overwhelming for me that I find it difficult do have the patience that Michael needs, and he is only one child. (Don't ge me wrong. Without Michael, I'm pretty sure I would have given up a long time ago.) You are facing the grief of losing Grey and yet continuing to be a wonderful mother for 3 boys. It amazes me, really. How lucky all 4 of them are to have you. (and vice-versa of course)

Thinking of you and Grey's big brown eyes.