Friday, June 11, 2010

You Can Run, But . . .

Tonight I realized that I can run, but I can't hide.

It's rare that Bill and I put ourselves into busy social settings. It's kind of been an unspoken rule since Grey's death. I'm not sure if it's because I feel uncomfortable, feeling like everyone there will feel sorry for me, or if it's because I feel our presence will somehow dampen the celebration, making others feel uncomfortable. It's hard to explain, but even though tomorrow will mark 18 months since Grey has been gone, my friends are still (out of the goodness of their hearts) very sensitive to Grey's absence.

But tonight, my good friend turned 40. Bill was excited that we had been invited to her party. "Are we going? Are we going?", like an excited little kid. I was really not up to it. But then I pictured my friend, stroking Grey's hair on one of his last days, and again her and her husband sitting on our couch on Grey's 1st Angel Day, and realized that it would be selfish of me not to celebrate with her.

For fear of getting lost and being late, we left early and arrived even earlier. Upon waiting for people to arrive we spent time with my friend's mom and her close friend, who we had first met briefly right after Grey's loss. As more people arrived my friend's mom became hostess, and her friend continued to visit with us. After some time of small chit chat, she asked us how things were going with Greyson's Law. But in her eyes, there was not the expected look of pity. Instead I found a look of pride, and it made me glow inside.

As we continued to talk, more people arrived, friends . . . friends with babies. Deep breath. Bill dove right in, playing with this baby, holding that baby. I watched as the newest baby in our school family arrived, and all of a sudden it hit me. All three babies, healthy babies, in the room had had an expanded newborn screening test because their moms had know Grey. That was a tremendously overwhelming feeling!

Tonight I realized that I will always be "that mom who lost her baby". But Grey was not just any baby. It has taken me 18 months to realize it, and accept it, but with pride in my eyes I can now be "that mom".

Before I left tonight, I held the first baby since Grey left my arms. My friend's husband walked past me, "You look good holding that little one". His words stopped me cold. He saw me for exactly who I was, a forever grieving mom accepting, and enjoying, all the gifts her son has given her.

Thank you Mitzi's Mom's Friend (I'm horrible with names) - For the pride I saw for my son in your eyes. You never even met him, but I know just by our conversation that he's changed you too.

Thank you Mizti - For turning 40 and getting me out, and for not being afraid to share Cash with Bill and I from the very beginning.

Thank you Mitzi's mom - From the first time I met you I could feel your warmth for my son.

Thanks Jana - For letting me enjoy Davis from afar until I was ready.

Thank you Erin - For letting me hold Clay, and asking if I was sure first.

Thank you Stephanie & Peter - You both made sure that I knew that Presely's NBS test came back perfectly fine. You both knew I needed that.

And thank you Clint - Those words rolled right out of your mouth, like they were just suppose to fit. You know what? I think they are and just maybe they do.

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