Thursday, February 25, 2010

Be Still


One year, two months, one week, and six days.

That's a long time to have lived my son's disease over and over again. It's taken me a while, but I've come to realize that, for now, I can no longer put myself there. I believe that Grey lived with Krabbe so that I didn't have to. To be in the place that I am now, trying to fix this disease that broke me, is breaking me more. He'd never want that for me.


I have to realize that it is not reasonable for me to believe that I can save the world from this horrible disease. I gave it a good run, accomplished things that many have not. But, for now, I have to walk away.


I have to be still.


I have to take Grey back. I need him to be the little boy he was before we realized he had Krabbe, free from the expectations that I have put on him through this journey.


My blog, my Facebook, my connections to other affected families, all constant reminders of just how broken I am. All reminders of just how broken Grey was.


I hope those of you who know me, whether affected by Krabbe or not, will know and understand the reasons for this leave. I need to figure out who I am, outside of Grey's mom. I need to find out who I am without Grey. Blogging, connecting, sharing, have all kept him near. My stories, my emotions, have kept him alive. But now, I need to let him soar.


One year, two months, one week, and six days.


Consumed. Consumed with who he has become, with who I have made him, with who I have made me.


It's time to be still, to listen, to live.


Good-bye for now my friends. Your love for Grey still amazes me. I'll carry it with me always.


Fly high and play hard Little Man. I love you.


29 comments:

VezyCash said...

You've got a long way ahead of you. finding yourself is not an easy task. I know its not easy to put the past behind you but the faster you do that the easier it would be on you.

Good luck.

ella said...

I am so sorry for the loss of your child. I am a new mother of twins and fear every day for them. I cant understand the pain like you can, but I could only imagin if Liam or Collin were to pass. Just remember. he's looking down on you.

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sn said...

my heart goes to you.. i'm still mourning over my miscarriage after 2 years (although i only get to feel 'it' for 3 months).. but the impact is so great.. it has indirectly cost me my marriage too i can't imagine what it is like for you..
my hope for you is to be brave and remain strong.. every breathe and every step is something new and blessed.. keep smiling..

Reyna said...

I am sorry for your loss. I just came upon your blog. I followed. I hope that God may bless you with much peace. If you get a chance pass by my blog and maybe follow...
Many blessings,
Reyna

emilypauline said...

I pray that you find your inner still while everything spins madly outside of you.

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Chan_808 said...

i'm so sorry for your loss..he is a beautiful soul

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Rui Miguel Marques said...

I am trully sorry for your loss. Love makes us suffer and when the ones we love are not there anymore, we pray for them... and we can just hope we will find a meaning for life again. You are a strong woman. Don't forget your other children. And love them. As much as you love Grey. They need you very much. And Grey is now an angel. Most of the time we forget: angels take care of us it is not us who take care of them. And when they go, the only thing they want is for us to be happy. You have a beautiful heart. Inside of it you keep his beautiful soul.
Fell loved strong lady. And love as much as you can.

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TlDesigns said...

HI, i only read this post, but from the words you have put into it i feel your pain, i lost two daughters of mine when they were born, it took me ten years to regain part of me...the me i was before they were here, will never be again, i am a new me..i am a mom that lost her daughters, i am the mom that overcame, i am the mom that can remember with love instead of tears everyday...i am ...

If you ever want to talk, i am around, just email me.

I am sorry for the loss of your son Grey...

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