Be Still

One year, two months, one week, and six days.

That's a long time to have lived my son's disease over and over again. It's taken me a while, but I've come to realize that, for now, I can no longer put myself there. I believe that Grey lived with Krabbe so that I didn't have to. To be in the place that I am now, trying to fix this disease that broke me, is breaking me more. He'd never want that for me.

I have to realize that it is not reasonable for me to believe that I can save the world from this horrible disease. I gave it a good run, accomplished things that many have not. But, for now, I have to walk away.

I have to be still.

I have to take Grey back. I need him to be the little boy he was before we realized he had Krabbe, free from the expectations that I have put on him through this journey.

My blog, my Facebook, my connections to other affected families, all constant reminders of just how broken I am. All reminders of just how broken Grey was.

I hope those of you who know me, whether affected by Krabbe or not, will know and understand the reasons for this leave. I need to figure out who I am, outside of Grey's mom. I need to find out who I am without Grey. Blogging, connecting, sharing, have all kept him near. My stories, my emotions, have kept him alive. But now, I need to let him soar.

One year, two months, one week, and six days.

Consumed. Consumed with who he has become, with who I have made him, with who I have made me.

It's time to be still, to listen, to live.

Good-bye for now my friends. Your love for Grey still amazes me. I'll carry it with me always.

Fly high and play hard Little Man. I love you.