Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Worse For The Wear
I know that my posts are becoming less frequent, but it remains important to me to be positive while posting, and at times, especially lately, I'm just not there.
Sometimes the frustration of being stuck in Grey's loss overwhelms me. Grey's memory seems to be consuming me lately. It's hard to even describe how he's so present in my mind, and the memories that come to me, come to me at the least expected times. Like today, I decided to run out for lunch. I walked outside into the school parking lot, but I was immediately transported to the parking lot at Grey's memorial. I guess it was the smell of the cool weather, along with the cloudy day. School ended and I again headed for the door, bracing myself. As I opened the door and walked out, a person behind me commented disgustedly on the humidity and warmth that had moved in. And although the air was thick, I was able to breath a little easier. I worry that cloudy, cool days will always take me back to that day.
I think of Grey every time I make pumpkin pie, every time I smell a Glade vanilla plug-in, every time I see jungle animals. I think of him at every bath time, every dinner time, every bedtime. I think of him every time someone mentions snow, as we were lucky enough to take him out in it one midnight just two days before he died. I think of him when I smell syrup and oatmeal.
I could go on and on. I just hope that after December 12th, I won't compare everything that is today with everything that was a year ago. I read a quote that an incredible sister affected by her brother's loss to Krabbe posted. It said, 'There are moments that mark your life, moments when you realize nothing will ever be the same. And it is divided into two parts, before this and after this." The fact that my life, my family's life, has been marked by such an event saddens me.
At times, I wish I could fold up the aftermath of Grey's loss and stick it in my back pocket. Maybe then I could forget about it for awhile, maybe wash it. But inevitably, I would find it in the dryer, worse for the wear.