Saturday, August 1, 2009

The Ups & Downs Of Grief

This picture was taken not even two weeks before we lost Grey. What a gorgeous little boy, even in the midst of his inner struggle. Let me just preface this blog first by saying that today has not been the best day. Grief comes in waves. No matter how much I hate it, bottom line is, at times it's still a very big part of me.
I can go for days celebrating Grey's life and the 'successes' that have come from his loss. But there are days that even saving 150 little Texans a year just isn't enough. Because mine was not one of the 150 saved. The sacrificial lamb, it sometimes seems.

Then there are days that I cannot even comprehend the enormity of creating Greyson's Law, and my heart beats with pride. We have been on TV. We have been asked to speak at conferences and events. Strangers walk up to us and thank us because they are about to become a parent or grandparent. The number of lives that Grey continues to touch is incredible.

Yet part of me needs to pull him back in, to share him with those I choose to share him with, to be selfish. Part of me wishes I could wake up from this nightmare, his impatient crying on the intercom that has been packed up for seven months.

I've learned a lot about grief and mourning this summer. There are moms out there who have lost their children and didn't have a chance to say goodbye. Moms who never felt the unconditional love I received from Grey. There are moms whose children left behind very little, much less a legacy.

Grey's death seemed to be lined up with the stars. Everything about it, and those things that would come after it, seemed to just unfold as if it were all a plan. Sometimes I feel that Grey was giving us an easy way out by passing so quickly and peacefully, because there are moms who continue to fight, with their children, every day and I don't know if I could do that. And I think he knew it.

Today I went to Toy-R-Us to buy a birthday present for a very special little girl, who despite great odds, has flourished to her first birthday. While I was in the aisles looking for the perfect present, I was taken back to right before we lost Grey. How could I plan for a 1st birthday party, not knowing if he would even have one? What could I buy him that he could really maneuver his poor broken body to play with? How could I celebrate knowing the end was so near? I remember being so angry, so sad, not wanting to celebrate, secretly crying as I walked through the toys, knowing in my heart that he would be leaving me sooner than later.

This life is full of ups and downs. It's weird how such a great loss can bring you both. I'll never understand it.

Happy 1st birthday Little Miss Hannah! Through Grey's loss I have gained both friendship and admiration for your mom. I have been able to give you things that I couldn't give Grey, like a 1st birthday present, and that makes me happy. I'm excited to be able to celebrate your day tomorrow. You're a fighter, little girl, just like your mom. I'm so lucky to have you both in my life. I have no doubt that Grey watches over you. I'm sure he'll be with us tomorrow, as we celebrate you.


Anita said...

Hi Nicole, I'm glad you stopped by my blog. I don't come by here often, I'm not sure why, perhaps it just seems so personal and private at times, like a conversation between you and Grey, or you and God, I'm not sure.
I am always in awe of your strength.
Getting to know you has been such a gift in my life.
Take care, and know I'm thinking of you.

Carrie said...

Okay, now you have me tearing up now.... {{hugs}}

I keep telling you that one of Grey's gifts to me and Hannah was bringing us you! See you tomorrow and we will celebrate both our babies because Grey always has a special place in our home (and right now, he is in Hannah's playpen!).