Early Friday morning I had the best dream about Grey. It is rare that I dream about him. The first time I dreamt about him, it was dark and I couldn't see him. I just knew he was there. The only other time I dreamt about him I was holding him, with his back to my chest. I remember feeling the weight of him, but again there was not much interaction. But yesterday's dream has by far been the best dream I have had about Grey.
Let me preface this by saying that I do believe that Grey is still with me. I see signs everyday of his presence. Every night before I go to bed I talk to him and I ask him, that if he can, I would love for him to visit me. I also believe that he knows I am just now coming to a place of peace, where I am able to be with him in my dreams but still let him go when my eyes open. So, this is the gift he gave to me yesterday morning.
I was in a beautiful place, outside, and the sky was a rainbow of colors. There was a cool breeze and as I looked out into the field I could see the back of Grey. His crazy hair was blowing in the breeze. He was with a group of children his age and they were all holding hand in a circle. He turned around and looked at me, with only the smile that he had, as if to say, 'Do you see me? Do you see what I can do?' He turned back around and went around with the group, falling down, jumping back to his feet, going around again. Between each time he would turn to me and flash that smile of his again.
It was like he was trying to show me that his spirit can now do things that his body never could. He had friends, and I wondered if they weren't the children of the other Krabbes families. The giggles coming from all of them, it was intoxicating. He kept looking at me, to make sure that I was watching him, like he was insistent in getting his message across. He needed me to know that he was OK, and that he was happy.
Dearest Grey Grey,
I miss you so much. And although my heart breaks with your loss, it soars with excitement as I think of who you have now become. I know that it would have never been fair to keep your spirit trapped inside that little, broken body of yours. When we decided to bring you home and let you pass here, I was afraid that I would forever be haunted by the images of your death process. But I was wrong. In your passing, at the very end, I saw that your body was just a shell. I could feel the strength of your spirit with me, helping me to let you go.
On the outside Grey, you were such a beautiful little boy. But on the inside, well, I just don't have the words to describe you. Maybe, like the sky in my dream.
I Love You Little Man,
Forever Your Mom