Monday, May 16, 2011

This Spring

At times, I really miss blogging. My friend tells me of her "God Box", a place where she can place her frustrations, let them go, give them up. A place she can revisit and realize that all was not as bad as it seemed. I think for me, maybe my blogging is my "God Box". Sometimes I go back; two years ago today . . . and although most times I cry myself through my read, I realize how far I have come.

So let's catch up -

Spring brought baseball for the two younger boys. Some weeks we were up at the fields 5 of the 7 days of the week. But busy is good, always good. The fields always bring back memories of Grey. I can see him trying to catch his breath as the warm wind tousled his hair. It's always a little hard, starting a new season without Grey in tow. I can picture him playing in the stands, running with the other kids, becoming a filthy mess - until I remind myself, that could have never been my Grey.

Bill coached Riley's team for the 2nd season, and I must say, I was very proud of him. Our best friends' son was on Seth's team, which always makes the season more fun. We always feel safe with them around. With a new team brings new people, people who have never known Grey. That's hard. We never want people to feel sorry for us. But introducing our family without Grey just feels wrong. It's hard to explain.

Luke turned 16 last week. That makes me feel old. He is enjoying ROTC and even got a national award. Now if I could only get him to turn in his homework!

Bill continues to work on legislation for newborn screening. He's doing an amazing job! I wouldn't even know where to start with all he's done and accomplished. I have to be honest though, the first time this Spring when he starting talking legislation - well, I completely lost it! The thought of going through all the ins and outs of politics makes me crazy. But Bill is on top of it, continuing to tell Grey's story to everyone he meets. I, on the other hand, would do anything to make him all mine again. Politics gets so personal. When legislators say no to NBS, it feels like they're choosing to discount Grey's trial. It makes me furious. It hurts to breathe. But I'm trying, trying to help Bill out in the ways I know how to.

I'm always accessing my grief. Lately I've been realizing just how much I actually suppress it. I was riding with my mom the other day, coming home after having lunch out with her. We came home a different way and we passed the funeral home where they took Grey to be cremated. My mom knows the owner very well, and she told me that when she thanked him for taking care of Grey, several months after the actual event, that he had no idea that the little baby he took care of was mom's grandson. He told her how much Grey touched him, by just the sweetness of his broken shell. And in that moment, Grey became my little boy again. It all came rushing back at me and I did everything I could to hold back the tears. To think of him there, with a mere acquaintance, it hurt my heart. As I tried to contain myself, I realized that it was much easier when Grey was the face of a cause than when I let him become my baby again.

Grey continues to touch people beyond my belief. Just this last week, two people have told me stories of how Grey has touched them. It does my heart good. It helps me to heal. At times, I don't stop to think how his loss has affected others, or that it has affected others at all. And then somebody will tell me a story, and the wonder of his spirit wraps around me, letting me know that he will never be forgotten.

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