A New Normal

Dearest Grey,

I spent the weekend struggling to find a new normal. With Daddy at work and Luke with John, it left only Seth, Ry, and me to muddle through. I went to the movies Friday night with your aunts. Nana watched the boys. She looks for you in your bouncy chair whenever she walks into the house. She misses you deeply.

Saturday Nana and I took the boys to spend their gift cards and ate at Olive Garden. Seth had a hard time. The last time we were at Olive Garden you were with us. Saturday night the boys decided to spend the night at Nana's. It was the first time I was in the house by myself in forever. I fell asleep with the TV on. It helped my mind to wander less.

I spent the day Sunday cleaning up, doing laundry. I even cleaned the boys' room. You know what a chore that was. It took me all afternoon, but it's clean. At least for a while. Ceci and I planned our DMB trip, Houston May 1st and Dallas May 2nd. We're branching out and inviting two of our good friends, Melinda and Melissa. Everything changes, and change isn't always bad.

Tomorrow we all go back to school. I'm sure no one will look at me without seeing you. It'll be nice to be surrounded by my friends. I'm sure many will want to ask questions, but few will. I think that's what bothers me the most, everyone is afraid they'll say something they shouldn't, something that might upset me. I just need people to realize that I'm OK. I'm broken, but I'm OK. Talking about you helps me to heal.

You will be so missed up at school. It will be hard for people to see Daddy without you in tow. I know you'll be there. I picture you attached to my leg, as I walk the halls. You are a part of that place, just as much as I am.

I did it Baby. I made it through my first weekend. Tomorrow I'll make it through my first day back at school. I'll carry you with me . . . always.

Love,

Mom