Sometimes I Ache

Today was a day of highs and lows.

My husband and I spent the day up at my school, watching students in their health class present projects they had put together about newborn screening, because of Grey, for Grey. Before 1st period ended, I realized the lettering on a girl's shirt spelled out Greyson. How cool is that? He continues to touch so many. It was very healing, for both Bill and I. It was a great feeling.

However, the Krabbes community lost a precious little girl today, Zoe. She and her family fought long and hard. My chest ached a little less earlier today knowing that Zoe was finally at peace. But now it aches more for her family. It is crazy, how attached I got to Zoe and her family, simply through her blog. And I now realize how all of you must have felt towards me, with the loss of Grey.

I'd like to tell you not to ache for me, but I know that you will and that you do. I can see it in your eyes, even when you smile. I know in time we will all ache a little less. But for now, I don't know how to make the ache less, for you or I. I know, as selfish as it sounds, that I ache less because you ache with me, if that's any consolation. I know that we are all healing together and that we heal in different ways and at different rates. Sometimes I feel like I have it all under control, then someone looks at me a certain way and I'm back on the couch, stroking his hair and smelling his breathe.

I know Grey is at peace. He runs and he plays and he laughs.

I know today he met Zoe, and that makes me furious. Another baby lost to this horrible, treatable, disease.