In The Bleachers

Dear Grey,

Last year at this time you went to your first CHMS basketball game with me. This is one of my favorite pictures of us. We sat right beneath the scoreboard. You didn't even flinch when the buzzer went off. You just hung out with me. I loved showing you off. You were so new, so perfect. Tonight, the boys, dad, and I went to our first game without you. Who would have thought so much could change in just a year? I missed you having you there with me, but I'm sure you had the best seat in the house.

Speaking of seat, Dad sat in nacho cheese. Some things never change.

Night Little Man. Play hard.

Love,
Forever Your Mom

Patchwork

Dearest Grey,

Today I received a letter from Hope Hospice. Every year they make a quilt for those they have lost. They ask the families to give them a piece of fabric from their loved one. When Syndi was here with you, she had told us about it. I knew right away what I would want to use for your fabric. I know it sounds crazy, but I've always loved your crib sheet. It came with the set that we bought you, but there was only one of it. I looked and looked on the Internet while you were here with us for another sheet just like it, so that even when you spit up on it I could change it and it would look exactly the same. But, you can't buy it separately anywhere. I washed it a lot. It was just so you. It was patchwork, bright with stars and cool shapes.

The problem is that I just can't bring myself to take if off your bed.

I called a friend and she said she would embroider your name on the piece that is supposed to go to Hospice. She said she would make the rest into a pillow for me. All great things, but then it is no longer your sheet. It's a piece of a remembrance quilt and a pillow.

Today I've made it through seeing the doctor that delivered you, waiting in his waiting room with a bunch of pregnant women. I've made it through talking to a friend about bereavement counseling. I kept it together all day.

Tonight I try to take the sheet off your bed and my tears gush. I just don't know if I'll ever feel whole again Grey. I don't know if this ache in my heart will ever let up. I remind myself to take the next breathe. I get ready to go to bed, in hopes that you will be there in my dreams.

Love,
Forever Your Mom

Sellers Photography

Ninety percent of the pictures on Grey's blog were taken by Stacy Sellers. I would have paid a millions dollars for them, but she would have never let me. I can't even put her talents into words. Check out her new site. She's incredible!

www.sellers-photography.com

Sometimes I Ache

Today was a day of highs and lows.

My husband and I spent the day up at my school, watching students in their health class present projects they had put together about newborn screening, because of Grey, for Grey. Before 1st period ended, I realized the lettering on a girl's shirt spelled out Greyson. How cool is that? He continues to touch so many. It was very healing, for both Bill and I. It was a great feeling.

However, the Krabbes community lost a precious little girl today, Zoe. She and her family fought long and hard. My chest ached a little less earlier today knowing that Zoe was finally at peace. But now it aches more for her family. It is crazy, how attached I got to Zoe and her family, simply through her blog. And I now realize how all of you must have felt towards me, with the loss of Grey.

I'd like to tell you not to ache for me, but I know that you will and that you do. I can see it in your eyes, even when you smile. I know in time we will all ache a little less. But for now, I don't know how to make the ache less, for you or I. I know, as selfish as it sounds, that I ache less because you ache with me, if that's any consolation. I know that we are all healing together and that we heal in different ways and at different rates. Sometimes I feel like I have it all under control, then someone looks at me a certain way and I'm back on the couch, stroking his hair and smelling his breathe.

I know Grey is at peace. He runs and he plays and he laughs.

I know today he met Zoe, and that makes me furious. Another baby lost to this horrible, treatable, disease.

A Brother's Love

It seems as though I wait all week for the weekend, so that I can let down my guard. At school I sometimes feel as though I have to constantly brace myself for the next unexpected question from a curious student. And it's OK. I want them to know they can ask me anything about Grey, I'm just sometimes caught off guard.

But once I get home for the weekend, I count down the hours until I can go back to work. At home, I'm just so lonely. Bill works all weekend. The boys play with each other. I just feel empty without Grey to hold.

It's like a double-edged sword. My support system at school is incredible. Most days I long to be there with my friends, dealing with the little dilemmas of the day, keeping busy, making a difference, laughing. But you just never know what's going to come out of the mouths of middle school kids. At home, I can be unguarded, cry if I want to cry, sleep to try to dream of him. But sometimes the emotions are just too overwhelming. I wonder if I slept long enough I would finally dream of him. Since he's been gone, I've only dreamt of him once. It's like he knows that if I dreamt of him, I never want to wake up. Thank God I have the boys home with me to keep me going.

Last night as I was trying to go to sleep I was thinking of some funny Greyson moments. I think my favorite one involves Riley and gum. Ry was home with both Bill and Grey a few months before he started kindergarten. In the afternoon, they would all take a nap, Bill with Grey on the couch. Riley was always the first one to wake up, and on this particular day Grey was up too, leaving Bill the only one still asleep. This was before Grey was symptomatic. When he saw that Ry was up he tried to roll off of Bill's chest to get to him. Thank God Bill reacted to his movement and caught him as he rolled off the couch. It scared all three of them. The next day I came home and as I picked Grey up, I noticed he had gum stuck to his onesie. I asked Bill if he knew that. He said he didn't, but he did tell me that he too had gum stuck on his shirt, and didn't know why. That was when we noticed the look on Ry's face, as he started to laugh. We had found the culprit! Apparently, Riley did not want his brother rolling off of his daddy's chest anymore. He thought gum would keep them stuck together . . . a lot of gum! This was the kind of love Ry and Grey shared.

Above is my favorite picture of Ry. You can just see the mischief in his eyes!

Family Movie Night

Tonight, Seth, Riley, and I had a family movie night. I let the boys pull their mattresses off of their beds and bring them in the front room. I started a movie and went into the kitchen to make some popcorn. As I walked out of the kitchen, popcorn in bowl, I stopped dead in my tracks. Seth and Ry were snuggled on Ry's mattress. In between them was Grey's urn. Again I'm reminded that although Grey is not physically here, he's still here.

Blessings Through Grey's Loss

As my heart aches for Grey, my mind tells me to be positive. So . . . here are some blessings I've received through Grey's loss:

Hearing my niece Daniela say, "Again".

Baby blue wrist bands with "Grey's Gift" written on them.

Kids at school asking for blue wrist bands with sincerity.

Co-workers that have turned into great friends.

Great friends that have turned into family.

Hugs from total strangers.

Visits from both of my brothers.

A surprise visit from my best friend in high school.

Her son giving me the autographed picture of Jim Kelly that he just won.

Jim Kelly knowing my baby's name, and acknowledging it.

Cash's eyes.

The memories of Grey's memorial and benefit.

Knowledge of a better treatment for Seth's PKU, from a total stranger (who was only 15).

Grey's story on WOAI.

Amazing pictures of Grey.

8th graders writing to legislators.

A huge poster of Dave Matthews.

Grey's spirit with me every minute of every day.